Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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