I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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