My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
