who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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