I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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