If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
