I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Randomize
