All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
