This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
