chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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