i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
