so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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