my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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