Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
