Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
