I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
