Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
