I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
