If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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