I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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