Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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