I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
