I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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