Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
