you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
