I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
