I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
