No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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