Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
