I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Someone signed my nipple.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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