Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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