final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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