So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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