Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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