He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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