please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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