Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
