woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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