Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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