you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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