The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
