mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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