...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
