I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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