I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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