I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
