I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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