So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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