I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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