Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
