i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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