he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
