i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
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Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
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I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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