He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
