I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
